


Mistake

by BenLMoore



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is Bad at Feelings, Disclaimer: Scribbled on the phone last night, Infidelity, Jealousy, M/M, New Relationship, True Love, When perhaps I should have been sleeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 18:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11674281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BenLMoore/pseuds/BenLMoore
Summary: This thing with Sam is spit-glistening and new. Dean tries to see if he can break it.





	Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Patched together in a hurry for the FB Wincest/J2 group.  
> There was a photo. I conjured half a thousand words. Hopefully, they’ll have been worth the effort.  
> Let me know what you think.
> 
> (Am currently away from home and workin on an iPad, but will post the pic in a few weeks, when I return)

Sam burst into the room to tell Dean something that probably could have waited.

  
Rule number 2. You always knock  
But rules are often forgotten and what do either of them have to hide?

Well...

So, there stood Sammy, mouth hanging open, looking as if there was some brand new rule that Dean should have already known.

 

Maybe this was ill-advised, but it's not like they had made any promises.

A mistake. A drunken misstep.  
Sam was one of those people who would say, “love,” and insist that was what they’d made.

  
Dean hated that. Always had.  
‘Making love’ sounds all soft and squishy, when at best, it's filthy and furious and care-free when you don’t care who it’s with. Sex doesn't have to mean anything.  
Not between Dean and this girl.

Not between Dean and his baby brother.

Dean loves Sam.  
Like gravity. Like the sun rises.  
But this, right here? That look on his face?  
This was too much. Exactly what he was trying to avoid, prevent, undo

Dean had done this girl to save himself. To preserve the last tendril of his sanity.  
Not to hurt Sam. Never to hurt him.

She dressed with hooker speed and housewife discretion, no eye contact with either of them. A better man would have seen her to the door.

The better man turned away as she scurried out with her heels in her hand.

"What do you want me to say?" Dean asked, because, clearly, Sam was waiting for an apology.

No one knows like Sam that Dean doesn't part with those without a fight.  
Was this going to be a fight?  
Fuck.  
That hadn’t been his intention, either.

Sam’s expression was still open-mouthed betrayal. "I thought we--"

"We fucked, Sammy. Would you stop looking at me like that?"

Sam stopped looking at him altogether.

And that's what Dean was after. He wasn't the idiot he pretended to be. He had picked up that girl and timed the whole Sam walking in after his research, because this thing between them had reached the last rung.

After all, Dean was merely mortal with a flesh and blood heart, not built to withstand or contain the intensity of love he felt for Sam. That was the case, even before they'd crossed that threshold. Love had already been withering his marrow since he was a child. He knew no other emotion - consisted purely of this love for Sam, even before he'd made the mistake of giving in to his greed.

Last night had filled him to overflowing and rattled his bones. Fever fanned to frenzy. Sam's beer breath and thick tongue like flame in his mouth. Lisa was bendy, but Christ on a crutch. Sam had hardly blinked when Dean pinned his ankles over his head, taking full inventory of those forever legs.  
And Dean had taken, his share and more, as if he knew no shame.

But everyone makes mistakes.

If it happened again, he'd be shattered, right along with the illusions he'd spent forever perfecting.

Just like that, there wouldn't be any part of him that doesn't belong to Sam.

Dean had never been his own person anyway. Had started out a mama's boy, been demoted to a knockoff of his father, and spent the bulk of his life trying to make the world worthy of Sam’s kitten heart and puppy dog eyes.

  
Not that Baby Boy is fragile. Not by any long shot. He'd survived their motherless childhood and most of the same nightmares that still haunt Dean. What Sam is: Dean's (baby [brother]) to protect and once again he had failed.

That look of disappointment and hurt, Dean's fault.  
Dean. Monster. Cruel. Fool. Failed. Again  
Unworthy of the smoothing of Sam's brow. Or his slow steps across the floor. Undeserving of the huge, warm hand around his neck, or the strong thumb massaging his nape.

"I--"

Apologies always stick in Dean's throat. The words snag on the gnarled claws of the Guilt and Shame that reside inside him.

Sam shakes his head. "It doesn't matter," he says and kisses softer than any of the ones last night. Patient and kind. Forgiveness.  
  
And maybe Dean’s only mistake was believing he could ever lose a love that was never earned in the first place.

 


End file.
